shimmerandsing | Lazy day.

"Ninja training and mind-over-matter," she answered matter-of-factly. Ninja needed to have some mystery.

"I think she is not extremely worried. There is a midwife who knows herbal remedies here. She mentioned something about her grandmother doing something similar." The jonin did not know why she was told these things by random strangers, but she did appreciate it. Information gathering was a nice resource.

"Longshot is still distracted," she observed quietly. Not ranging anywhere, but his mind was not always on the task at hand according to Asuka. "I have a way to occupy his time. But I should ask for your permission first."

"Ah." Best to let that go, then.

Ack. She hadn't meant to say that the jonin couldn't handle whatever came up. She scrambled to back peddle. "I meant that all the books and things say that I should be seeing my doctor every two weeks or so now and I haven't lately, so..."

Man. She picked the wrong day to stop being careful about what she said to Longshot's adopted mother.

Then she winced and sighed. Another subject she was struggling hard not to think about. Longshot's wanderlust. "I know..." She blinked. "My permission?"

The jonin raised an eyebrow. She had not been offended in the least. "It is fine, Alison. I understand a doctor's place in the birthing process. You should be making an appointment soon. Dr. Crusher has many things she can do that I cannot."

No, that wasn't envy. Though what she wouldn't give to have her hands on some of those tools. But that was another minor matter. She leaned one hip against the railing. It was something she had seen her adoptive son do a time or two. She straightened back up after she decided she was too short to pull of the right amount of casualness.

"One of the things requested when handing over the castle to you was the use of that building there," the jonin nodded toward the small building across the courtyard. "I wish to see if it is fine with you if we housed someone there. He would be training Longshot for a more involved mission."

There were some things being left out, but that was the way it was with ninja.

"Oh..." Alison's gaze followed to where the jonin was pointing. She hadn't forgotten about the provisos for moving into the castle. She was already diverting money from her fledgling music sales into savings to pay back the renovations.

The phrase 'more involved mission' struck an uneasy chord with her, but she kept it to herself.

"We agreed to it. I wouldn't say no. And I'm sure Longshot will enjoy having something new to do."

"Because you agreed and wouldn't say no makes you honorable. Though it does not mean you will like it," the jonin observed carefully. "You will not have to do anything special for the man who will be living there. No need to cook or see him. He will be here to train Longshot and nothing else."

Because there would be plenty of ninja about watching to make sure nothing else happened. She paused a minute. "It will be in a form of martial arts. Not one your husband has had any experience with."

"I am not opposed to the idea of someone staying there," Alison answered truthfully. It was more the implication that bothered her. "I trust that you wouldn't ask to house anyone who would be dangerous to us."

"He enjoys learning new techniques. He's much smarter than he gives himself credit for. I'm sure he'll do well." It made her heartsick to know her husband needed something to distract him from wandering away from her. But, that was how it was.

She managed a smile and a shrug. "I don't mind cooking."

She nodded a little tightly. Alison's posture did not speak of comfort, but it was probably not from what the jonin was asking of her.

"Simple meals. Nothing elaborate. He will not be able to stomach more than that." She did move a tiny step closer to Alison. "Is there something else wrong?"

"Oh? Is he not well?" It was polite curiosity. She didn't really expect an answer. This was one of the situations where the clan kept things close to themselves. The fact that it didn't bother her to be kept in the dark about something that involved her husband was probably a bad sign in and of itself.

She sighed and stared down into the water for a long moment. How to answer that question? She didn't want to be told she was being silly or that it was hormones. She was becoming quite familiar with how hormonal swings felt. This was different.

"Several things," she admitted finally. "But, nothing I know how to fix. Might not be fixable."

"Not as such," she replied politely. It was not really an answer, but it would be all the jonin would give on the matter. The whole secret belonged to a few individuals. Not even Longshot would be privy to it.

The jonin glanced in the spot Alison was staring but turned her eyes back to her daughter-in-law when she saw nothing meriting a closer inspection.

"Well, I have plenty of time to listen. That sometimes makes the burden easier to bear."

"Mmm." She nodded. Another subject to drop. She didn't mind terribly. If she wasn't going to be involved with the man, then she didn't need to know much about him.

"It's difficult to explain. What it ultimately comes down to is that I feel like I've handled this pregnancy badly. And disappointed Longshot in the process." She sighed and shrugged without looking up. "It's over dramatic and inaccurate to say, but the only way I can think to describe the feeling is: I don' think he likes me as much when I'm pregnant. I'm moody. I'm insecure. I'm tired. I can't do the fun and exciting things he enjoys. Our love life has even taken a hit."

She smiled wryly. "Which I'm sure you didn't want to hear about at all. Sorry."

The jonin looked on attentively. Even if she would have rather not heard the very last bit. She was aware of their love life. Moreso from the time they had spent in the camp, but she rather liked not dwelling on the idea.

"Alison, despite all the alien inside your husband, he is still a man. Pregnancy is not something they easily understand. He had gotten comfortable with the way things were, but now, everything will change. I get the feeling whenever he was thrown into a new situation, he did not have much of his past to fall on. So, he could roll easier. Like a ship under the unafraid hands of a captain. Now, he knows very much what he has to lose."

She reached over and lightly placed a hand on Alison's arm. It was a very foreign thing for the jonin to do, but she was talking to her non-Japanese daughter-in-law. "How you handle your pregnancy is how you handle your pregnancy. You have not had this experience before. Mistakes and problems happen, but it will make the two of you stronger. Together."

She sighed softly and closed her eyes for a second. Then she looked over at the jonin sadly.

"Remember when we first moved in here? And I said that I felt like I was viewed as an obstacle between Longshot and the clan? It feels like, now, the pregnancy is the obstacle. I have no doubts he wants these children. Probably every bit as much as I do. But, the pregnancy is..." She huffed a frustrated, hurt breath as she searched for the right words. "It's in the way. Keeping me from doing the things I could do before. And, in turn, limiting him."

"I love being pregnant. I really, really do. For every nasty moment, there are a hundred more fantastic ones. Feeling my babies kick is the best feeling I've ever had in my life. But, he's not sharing in my same joy."

She angrily brushed a tear away with a hand and shook her head. "Now he's feeling the urge to wander. Again. How I lost him before. And I can't even go with him. I won't risk the babies. I'd die if I lost them."

NINJA HANKIE! HAWAH!

Though with more gentleness and circumspect manner in the jonin's hand.

"The change your children make affect you, too. The limits are small, but there. But there are more chances opened up for both of you. A limitless chance when you look in your baby's eyes." The jonin did not particularly succeed in hiding the nostalgia. Though she quickly regained composure and continued on.

"He's not sharing the same joy because he can't. It is more distant for a man, but that doesn't mean he has stopped smiling when talking about you. Or gotten any less animated when talking about what he plans to do with his children once they 'premier.' Though there is a running betting pool in the clan of exactly how much you'll let him do."

She gently grabbed Alison's arm, which was yet another breach of Japanese ettiquette. Though the jonin did not look to much care as she tried to carefully guide Alison to one of the nearby benches. "He is feeling the urge, but is he giving in to it?"

Hankies are useful. Ninja ones even more so. They appeared where you least expected them.

Alison let her mother-in-law guide her to the bench. She sat down and rubbed her belly lightly with both hands. The babies were kicking in their less than happy way. They didn't like it when she was upset.

"I never really thought of myself as limited by pregnancy. But, then I started to feel like he was disappointed in me for the limits. It hurts. Of everyone in the world -- even my parents -- his opinion has always meant most to me. I never want to disappoint him." To this day she wouldn't go near a Slip 'n Slide.

She didn't comment on the jonin's description of Longshot's smiles. Alison was too near admitting her worst fear already. She was afraid he was growing tired of her. Not falling out of love, precisely. But, there was something missing still for him that she couldn't give him.

"No... he's not giving in yet. But, only because I cried and screamed. And the labor scare." She dropped her face into her hands for a moment. Then raises it enough to speak. "And I feel like the worst kind of wife for all of it. In the end, I told him to wander if he needed to. I can't be the one to hold him down. He deserves his freedom more than anyone."

The jonin seated herself beside Alison and turned slightly to face her. "Being disappointed even for just a second is part of living on this world. It is life here. Nobody I have ever met embodies life like Longshot. The worry should come if he is continually disappointed. If he does not bounce back from it, then there is a problem."

She reached over and gently brushed a lock of Alison's hair behind her ear. "Do you know how long he has been fighting it?"

Her mother-in-law was doing her best to help. Alison understood that. But. "He was disappointed . And I didn't know how to do any better. I'm trying."

She swallowed hard and nodded. "He bounces back."

Longshot almost never stayed down. It was one of his strengths.

"I don't know how long exactly. He told me about it the day I had the Braxton Hicks and had to call Dr. Crusher."

"Given how pure his emotions run and how blown by the wind he can be, I don't think he's ever been disappointed with you. Maybe the situation you were in, but not with you. Otherwise, you would have a much harder time holding onto him. It would take an iron grasp, which is more than the gentle caress he needs to stay by your side."

The jonin paused a moment. "As the head of my clan, I am observant. I have watched him wander here and there mentally before he started fighting his feet. He might not have even known he was doing it, but he was starting to wander after he was shot. He took long routes to camp. He poked around in the caves below your castle.

"But, Alison, it is a very small part of him. There is a much larger part that endlessly loves and adores you. It is not a prison if he does not see it so. If he can still see the sky and hold you, he is very much a free man.

How did Longshot's mothers always see more about him than Alison did? She wasn't intentionally unobservant. Then again, she supposed that she supposed that the clan got to see him focusing on something more often than she did. At home, he changed as his whims took him and Alison wasn't big on trying to direct him too often.

"What is he looking for? What doesn't he have here?" Maybe the other woman had some insight, because Alison was completely in the dark.

"He's been held back and held down so much in his life. I don't want to risk him ever resenting me." She knew from experience that it was possible to resent the ones you loved. She and her father had that problem for years.

"I do not know. But whatever he looks for out there does not compare with what he finds here. He does return, does he not?" It was rhetorical. Because she ninja hankied Alison's cheeks.

"I don't think he's restrained around you." Outside of abiding by Alison's sense of public decorum. "You represent his ultimate freedom. You are not from the world he is. You were not chosen for him."

Alison was still as her cheeks were dried and then turned to face her mother-in-law. She was coming to the uncomfortable realization that her own disappointment was making things even worse. They had the home, the marriage, the family, the children on the way, and Longshot's memories back. That was the moment she'd hoped they would be happy and content. Not restless and searching, still.

But, she had so much to be grateful for that she felt bad for being disappointed. She sighed and nodded. "Yes. He does come back."

"I just want us to be happy..."

"And knowing your husband as you do, would he come back for anything less than you make him the happiest he can be? Or would he chain himself to anything on purpose?" There were vast holes in what she knew of her adopted son, but she could still observe people and draw conclusions. One thing was blatantly obvious, even ignoring how Longshot talked about his wife. He regarded Alison with nothing short of total devotion. His eyes never lied around his wife.

"And you are. Small pockets of sadness are fine. It is part of how life turns. Happy all the time means heavily medicated. To understand the highs, you need to see the lows. Not as individuals, but together. You both have had very low spots apart. If this is the lowest you two get, you are very fortunate. Because you are holding onto each other. Because he still talks about taking you and your children out on picnics. He sees his future with you. I don't think he has even imagined it any other way."

"No, I guess not." Alison looked down and rubbed both sides of her belly as the babies squirmed around. Once in a while, a small bump appeared somewhere on her belly where an elbow or foot was poking out. She tickled it lightly until it was pulled back.

She wanted to hold them. She wanted Longshot to hold them. Sometimes, she had the desperate feeling that everything would be alright once the babies were born and in their arms. Then their future would feel real.

"I can't imagine a future without him. He and the babies are all I want in the world. I could give up my music and everything else if I had them." She took a slow, deep breath and looked up again. "I guess I'm wrong. Over-thinking things. I'm just so afraid to lose him. I don't know if I could do any of this alone."

"You are not wrong. Nor are you right. These are things that you feel. It is okay to feel them. It is not okay to let them decide how your future is. The future has not been written. And you will not have to read it alone. You have Longshot. He takes vows very seriously. There was this lovely day in May where he vowed to be with you forever." The jonin gave Alison a small smile.

Alison gave a little, soft laugh and nodded. "Yeah, he did promise. He promised me a family, too. Can't have one of those without the daddy."

Well, you could, but Longshot's adventure with gender-swap proved that wouldn't work for Alison.

She rubbed another little foot-like bump on her belly and chuckled again. "We'd have to hunt him down, again."

"Well, you wouldn't have to do that alone either. I know a few good trackers..." Mainly because she taught them. But that was neither here nor there.

"My grandchildren will have their father." She raised a finger up. "That is the only part of the future written so far."

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