shimmerandsing | Lazy day.

"Mmm." She nodded. Another subject to drop. She didn't mind terribly. If she wasn't going to be involved with the man, then she didn't need to know much about him.

"It's difficult to explain. What it ultimately comes down to is that I feel like I've handled this pregnancy badly. And disappointed Longshot in the process." She sighed and shrugged without looking up. "It's over dramatic and inaccurate to say, but the only way I can think to describe the feeling is: I don' think he likes me as much when I'm pregnant. I'm moody. I'm insecure. I'm tired. I can't do the fun and exciting things he enjoys. Our love life has even taken a hit."

She smiled wryly. "Which I'm sure you didn't want to hear about at all. Sorry."

The jonin looked on attentively. Even if she would have rather not heard the very last bit. She was aware of their love life. Moreso from the time they had spent in the camp, but she rather liked not dwelling on the idea.

"Alison, despite all the alien inside your husband, he is still a man. Pregnancy is not something they easily understand. He had gotten comfortable with the way things were, but now, everything will change. I get the feeling whenever he was thrown into a new situation, he did not have much of his past to fall on. So, he could roll easier. Like a ship under the unafraid hands of a captain. Now, he knows very much what he has to lose."

She reached over and lightly placed a hand on Alison's arm. It was a very foreign thing for the jonin to do, but she was talking to her non-Japanese daughter-in-law. "How you handle your pregnancy is how you handle your pregnancy. You have not had this experience before. Mistakes and problems happen, but it will make the two of you stronger. Together."

She sighed softly and closed her eyes for a second. Then she looked over at the jonin sadly.

"Remember when we first moved in here? And I said that I felt like I was viewed as an obstacle between Longshot and the clan? It feels like, now, the pregnancy is the obstacle. I have no doubts he wants these children. Probably every bit as much as I do. But, the pregnancy is..." She huffed a frustrated, hurt breath as she searched for the right words. "It's in the way. Keeping me from doing the things I could do before. And, in turn, limiting him."

"I love being pregnant. I really, really do. For every nasty moment, there are a hundred more fantastic ones. Feeling my babies kick is the best feeling I've ever had in my life. But, he's not sharing in my same joy."

She angrily brushed a tear away with a hand and shook her head. "Now he's feeling the urge to wander. Again. How I lost him before. And I can't even go with him. I won't risk the babies. I'd die if I lost them."

NINJA HANKIE! HAWAH!

Though with more gentleness and circumspect manner in the jonin's hand.

"The change your children make affect you, too. The limits are small, but there. But there are more chances opened up for both of you. A limitless chance when you look in your baby's eyes." The jonin did not particularly succeed in hiding the nostalgia. Though she quickly regained composure and continued on.

"He's not sharing the same joy because he can't. It is more distant for a man, but that doesn't mean he has stopped smiling when talking about you. Or gotten any less animated when talking about what he plans to do with his children once they 'premier.' Though there is a running betting pool in the clan of exactly how much you'll let him do."

She gently grabbed Alison's arm, which was yet another breach of Japanese ettiquette. Though the jonin did not look to much care as she tried to carefully guide Alison to one of the nearby benches. "He is feeling the urge, but is he giving in to it?"

Hankies are useful. Ninja ones even more so. They appeared where you least expected them.

Alison let her mother-in-law guide her to the bench. She sat down and rubbed her belly lightly with both hands. The babies were kicking in their less than happy way. They didn't like it when she was upset.

"I never really thought of myself as limited by pregnancy. But, then I started to feel like he was disappointed in me for the limits. It hurts. Of everyone in the world -- even my parents -- his opinion has always meant most to me. I never want to disappoint him." To this day she wouldn't go near a Slip 'n Slide.

She didn't comment on the jonin's description of Longshot's smiles. Alison was too near admitting her worst fear already. She was afraid he was growing tired of her. Not falling out of love, precisely. But, there was something missing still for him that she couldn't give him.

"No... he's not giving in yet. But, only because I cried and screamed. And the labor scare." She dropped her face into her hands for a moment. Then raises it enough to speak. "And I feel like the worst kind of wife for all of it. In the end, I told him to wander if he needed to. I can't be the one to hold him down. He deserves his freedom more than anyone."

The jonin seated herself beside Alison and turned slightly to face her. "Being disappointed even for just a second is part of living on this world. It is life here. Nobody I have ever met embodies life like Longshot. The worry should come if he is continually disappointed. If he does not bounce back from it, then there is a problem."

She reached over and gently brushed a lock of Alison's hair behind her ear. "Do you know how long he has been fighting it?"

Her mother-in-law was doing her best to help. Alison understood that. But. "He was disappointed . And I didn't know how to do any better. I'm trying."

She swallowed hard and nodded. "He bounces back."

Longshot almost never stayed down. It was one of his strengths.

"I don't know how long exactly. He told me about it the day I had the Braxton Hicks and had to call Dr. Crusher."

"Given how pure his emotions run and how blown by the wind he can be, I don't think he's ever been disappointed with you. Maybe the situation you were in, but not with you. Otherwise, you would have a much harder time holding onto him. It would take an iron grasp, which is more than the gentle caress he needs to stay by your side."

The jonin paused a moment. "As the head of my clan, I am observant. I have watched him wander here and there mentally before he started fighting his feet. He might not have even known he was doing it, but he was starting to wander after he was shot. He took long routes to camp. He poked around in the caves below your castle.

"But, Alison, it is a very small part of him. There is a much larger part that endlessly loves and adores you. It is not a prison if he does not see it so. If he can still see the sky and hold you, he is very much a free man.

How did Longshot's mothers always see more about him than Alison did? She wasn't intentionally unobservant. Then again, she supposed that she supposed that the clan got to see him focusing on something more often than she did. At home, he changed as his whims took him and Alison wasn't big on trying to direct him too often.

"What is he looking for? What doesn't he have here?" Maybe the other woman had some insight, because Alison was completely in the dark.

"He's been held back and held down so much in his life. I don't want to risk him ever resenting me." She knew from experience that it was possible to resent the ones you loved. She and her father had that problem for years.

"I do not know. But whatever he looks for out there does not compare with what he finds here. He does return, does he not?" It was rhetorical. Because she ninja hankied Alison's cheeks.

"I don't think he's restrained around you." Outside of abiding by Alison's sense of public decorum. "You represent his ultimate freedom. You are not from the world he is. You were not chosen for him."

Alison was still as her cheeks were dried and then turned to face her mother-in-law. She was coming to the uncomfortable realization that her own disappointment was making things even worse. They had the home, the marriage, the family, the children on the way, and Longshot's memories back. That was the moment she'd hoped they would be happy and content. Not restless and searching, still.

But, she had so much to be grateful for that she felt bad for being disappointed. She sighed and nodded. "Yes. He does come back."

"I just want us to be happy..."

"And knowing your husband as you do, would he come back for anything less than you make him the happiest he can be? Or would he chain himself to anything on purpose?" There were vast holes in what she knew of her adopted son, but she could still observe people and draw conclusions. One thing was blatantly obvious, even ignoring how Longshot talked about his wife. He regarded Alison with nothing short of total devotion. His eyes never lied around his wife.

"And you are. Small pockets of sadness are fine. It is part of how life turns. Happy all the time means heavily medicated. To understand the highs, you need to see the lows. Not as individuals, but together. You both have had very low spots apart. If this is the lowest you two get, you are very fortunate. Because you are holding onto each other. Because he still talks about taking you and your children out on picnics. He sees his future with you. I don't think he has even imagined it any other way."

"No, I guess not." Alison looked down and rubbed both sides of her belly as the babies squirmed around. Once in a while, a small bump appeared somewhere on her belly where an elbow or foot was poking out. She tickled it lightly until it was pulled back.

She wanted to hold them. She wanted Longshot to hold them. Sometimes, she had the desperate feeling that everything would be alright once the babies were born and in their arms. Then their future would feel real.

"I can't imagine a future without him. He and the babies are all I want in the world. I could give up my music and everything else if I had them." She took a slow, deep breath and looked up again. "I guess I'm wrong. Over-thinking things. I'm just so afraid to lose him. I don't know if I could do any of this alone."

"You are not wrong. Nor are you right. These are things that you feel. It is okay to feel them. It is not okay to let them decide how your future is. The future has not been written. And you will not have to read it alone. You have Longshot. He takes vows very seriously. There was this lovely day in May where he vowed to be with you forever." The jonin gave Alison a small smile.

Alison gave a little, soft laugh and nodded. "Yeah, he did promise. He promised me a family, too. Can't have one of those without the daddy."

Well, you could, but Longshot's adventure with gender-swap proved that wouldn't work for Alison.

She rubbed another little foot-like bump on her belly and chuckled again. "We'd have to hunt him down, again."

"Well, you wouldn't have to do that alone either. I know a few good trackers..." Mainly because she taught them. But that was neither here nor there.

"My grandchildren will have their father." She raised a finger up. "That is the only part of the future written so far."

"Good. I'd hate to have to go waddling after him right now. I can hardly walk across the back yard these days." She made a face. She loved being pregnant, but it was about time for these two to sit on something besides her bladder for a while.

She smiled at the jonin's pronouncement. "Promise?"

"Asuka can be the gentlest of creatures," the jonin deadpanned. Though that would probably give Robbie a reason to breathe easily for the five minutes it took to track Longshot down and bring him back.

The jonin nodded. "Hai. I promise."

Alison laughed at the jonin's words and expression. Asuka could be gentle when she wanted to be. But, even Alison had to admit that it wasn't the first thing she thought of when she thought about the ninja. And, she needed the laugh, anyway.

"Thank you. For everything." She smiled and shrugged, a little embarrassed. "I just... couldn't say any of this to Longshot. He'd feel bad because I felt bad. Then I'd feel worse for making him feel bad, and... it just would be very circular and sad."

The jonin would admit her daughter could be gentle. She had seen Asuka sit by Miyuki's bedside a time or two when the younger had gotten sick as a child. But Asuka also knew the importance of being a little fierce in the Japanese patriarch's world.

The jonin had to smile at Alison's laughter, however.

"You are most welcome, Alison. Anything I can do to help, I will." She bowed slightly. "I also like to stop vicious circles from forming."

She did feel better. Maybe not entirely, but a lot of the heavy weight that had been riding around in her chest had eased. Maybe she'd catch up to Longshot later and grab him for a little proper hugging and snuggling. That usually made her feel much better.

"Neither of us likes to hurt the other. Can't stand it. So, even when it happens by accident, it's heart-breaking." She shook her head. "It usually ends up getting blown way, way out of proportion and then doesn't ever get fully resolved."

"Mm. I can see how that would be a problem." She rubbed her chin slightly. "But you need to make sure things get resolved. Having things hang over you is not good. And I am not always conveniently by the koi pond. Especially not in winter. Too cold."

Not that the jonin was going to try to stay in the castle as much as possible during the winter. Not that she envied the central heating that was installed and so foreign to much of the rest of Japan.

"It's more a problem with me than with him. Like you said, he bounces back. I don't bounce as well." She smiled wryly and shrugged.

"I plan to spend most of the winter indoors. I didn't really appreciate the snow last winter. Although, I'm told my body temperature my raise dramatically in the next couple of months. So, I may have to go out to cool off..."

"You do bounce back. Just not as quickly. Or are you still holding him to you to save him from the next sniper?" By this point in time, it seemed like the attack on Longshot had been just a speed bump. Nothing that held the two of them back.

"Sensible plan. I may steal it for my own use. Except the escaping outside. I will leave that to those who are younger than me."

"Sometimes, I'd like to. I'd like to protect him and keep him safe. But, I don't want to treat him like a child."

She was acutely aware of how little he would appreciate that. And it wouldn't feel right, anyway. Longshot was more than capable of taking care of himself. The instinct was hard to squash, though.

"Longshot loves the snow. He'll play in it with Sadie and the kids enough for the both of us."

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